Some days I feel, if I were a cartoon, there would be a perpetual, frowny rain cloud hovering over my cerebral cortex. It would have random lightning bolts projected from it, striking the unsuspecting and innocent passersby. Unbeknownst to said passersby, I have had one terrible year or two or three. The angst and frustration have built at an exponential rate, that is for certain. I don't mean to be mean. I don't derive much satisfaction from driving offensively or confronting a "line cutter" in the market, etc. I'm just an angry individual.
When I'm angry of late and in a fit of rage, it's almost as if I'm not me at all. I observe the unleashed beast I become in bewilderment. As a person, I am brash, outspoken, and often mistaken as being upset, but I cannot be accused of being ugly for ugly's sake. Until now, unfortunately. I have tried, as an admirer of wisdom and one who hopes to attain some of my own, to ignore my frustrations with myself and my life in an effort to exercise discipline on my emotions. Emotions. Those are tricky things. I have felt things in the last month that I have not experienced to date in my entire existence and I must say, I abhor the actions brought on by these emotions. The proverbial "can of worms" has not just been opened, but opened and dumped on my head. I was full of self-loathing before, but now there are no words to describe the things I feel in response to my untamed, untapped anger.
What worries me about my new-found, untapped anger is the management thereof. I have not ever had anger of this magnitude to contend with before, so I've been caught unawares on multiple occasions of late. As the rage seems to consume me, piece by piece, I see myself doing things I would never have considered before. On these occasions, I have enough presence of mind to realize that my behavior is that of people I have no respect for. I lash out at the people I love and say things I don't mean. I have even thrown my phone. Twice. Maybe this seems like no big deal, but if you know me at all, you know that's extremely contrary to my typical countenance. Even when I have been very upset in the past, I do not inadvertently or purposely ruin my things.
Typically I have the uncanny and unsettling ability to remain calm in the face of a stormy situation. I often think I missed my calling in life to be a counselor of sorts, since I can maintain a certain level of seemingly near disinterest in the situation at hand, no matter how scandalous and to the point of projecting my own peace on the distressed party.
I am quite discontent in the dawning realization that I now have anger with which to contend and no place to compartmentalize it. My mind and heart are too full with all of the other cares of life and now anger is seeking a footing to take hold. I don't want to allow it to take hold. I've had a glimpse of that angry person and I don't care too much for her. I have to deal with it and soon, but where to place it? In myself? Project it onto others? Blame those I feel are responsible for my anger? Ideally, I'd like to see this angry person transformed and reinstated to my former, sometimes impatient, but largely controlled self. Let's just say I need to handle it sooner than later. Meanwhile, just lay off me, huh? *sigh* (See? Projecting again... urrrgghhh!!)
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