Two, Little, Seemingly Insignificant, POWERFUL Words

I have had to do a lot of apologizing in my 36 years.  A LOT.  I am as imperfect a person as you can find and I'll be the first to tell ya'!  I had a boss that used to tell me not to apologize, as it was a "sign of weakness", but I couldn't disagree more.  Apologies, when they are sincere, only show how cognizant one is of one's culpability in a situation where blame must be placed.  Some are wrongly blamed, but if we are honest with ourselves, we know we can diffuse many situations with a bit of humble pie, misplaced or not.

One of my top 5 pet peeves is an apology that begins with or includes an "IF"...that is the worst kind of NOT apologizing.  Not only does it reek of indignation, but it places blame back on the accuser, causing seeds of self-doubt and bitterness to be planted and/or watered.  I challenge any reader to begin an apology with an "IF", step back, and assess the honest-to-goodness sincerity in it.  It can't be found.  "How would YOU know?", you ask...well, let me tell you...

I had heard many times over my lifetime to date apologies that began with or included an "If".  Dating back as early as childhood, as a result of a friendly spat, and usually at the behest of some greater power, (with the added threat of bodily harm in the form of spanking), I came to be quite familiar with receiving and/or giving apologies.  (You guess which number was higher...*wink*)  It began to really chafe my hide when I was teenager and the boys would tease me for being fat, then "apologize" after I had been reduced to tears. (i.e....IF I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.)

As years went by and life happened, I heard it too often from people I yearned to be real.  I had tried to be open with these people when I felt wronged, knowing the familiar root of bitterness that tends to rule my psyche.  Some of those, I felt strongly enough to point out why I felt I couldn't accept the apology, seeing as it wasn't true, some I didn't.

There was one point in time where I felt especially desirous of a sincere apology, knowing that I had never once heard it from the offender in question.  In a carefully worded correspondence, I outlined my reasons for what I was feeling, and why I felt an apology was in order, especially considering the circumstances, etc.  The response I received, not days or weeks later, but several months later, was as I had anticipated, but disappointing nonetheless.  While I had waited to hear - hoping to hear - my despondence led to anger and anger to bitterness and bitterness to...well...a place so depressing and low, I cannot aptly describe with mere words.

What is it about human nature that makes us want to withhold peace from each other?  Stubbornness?  Pride?  Self-righteousness?  I think the list is long, but it doesn't have to be, nor should it be so.  A simple "I'm sorry" could go so far in another person's life and what has it cost you?  If it means I can maintain a relationship and keep it in good standing, then it doesn't matter what events lead to it, whether or not I'm to blame, or how much time transpires - I'd rather be afforded the opportunity to apologize than know I'm an accomplice to pain.  If you're sincere and it's not received, there is nothing further for you to do.  You shouldn't have to continue to pay a price for a misdeed after a sincere apology.  If you're insincere, don't be alarmed at the result.

***This blog was inspired by a sincere apology from an unexpected source and I am so grateful.  She knows who she is and if she doesn't, you can count on me writing her a heartfelt note of gratitude.***

A Poem, I Think

I recently had a request to update my blog and I've been thinking in rhythmic patterns lately, so here goes nothing.  I truly am someone who feels it is better to give than to receive and the world at large has lost sight of this all-important virtue.  Christmas is upon us, so don't forget there is always somebody who has it worse than you do, who could use your help, a smile, love, a hug, encouragement, or whatever!  Don't go through life missing out on opportunities to be good to people.  Yeah, that's kinda what the poem is about, even though it seems a bit all over the place.  =)


A Poem, I Think


I made a fist and shook it high,
As I contemplated why…

Hating how the road of life

Had robbed me, oh, so blind…

Of joy and laughter

Smiles and warmth –

As I floundered in despair,

I wondered where old self had gone,

I couldn’t find her anywhere.

I looked inside a bottle,

Then life somehow made sense,

The numbness that would sure wear off,

Brought wrath much more intense.

I looked to trusted loved ones,

But I found myself alone,

Vows of loyalty all forgotten,

Smiling, friendly encouragement – gone.

I tried to purchase my way through…

Mask pain by material gain,

Frivolous moments of weakness…

I now regarded with disdain.

My heart knew just what it needed,

But felt so saddened when…

My expressions of love for His grace,

Were met with condescending grin.

Who can know the heart of man?

Is how the Good Book reads,

Mine now filled with gratitude,

Another day for committing good deeds…

Bestowing love on people,

Is all that I have known,

I’ve only found myself true peace,

Somewhat reaping what was sown…

My heart still yearns for serving,

And that’s what’s been realized,

If there is no purpose to live and serve,

Then I’d really rather die.

I found myself with my family,

They’re all the world to me,

Trying to exemplify,

Better give, than to receive.

I find myself on down the line,

Giving, loving without guise,

The reward gained for my efforts?

Living had become a prize.

If you're lost, you can find yourself giving,

Guaranteed won't be in vain,

For what does a man's soul profit?

If the whole world is his gain?

Thank you for reading!

Envy, Covet, and Jealousy - Oh, my!

I'm trying to stay focused on a bigger payoff than blogging, but I had to make an observation that has nagged at me for some time now.  What is it with people who want the things that you don't even have?  Like, the things you tell them you would like to have or dream of owning some day - those are the things they will suddenly possess and/or seek diligently to acquire.  Am I a bad person that it bugs me?  I have never been the type of person to be upset if somebody owned the same clothing item as me or even purposely bought something because I had it, but this caliber of possessiveness that I feel towards my desirables deserves its own name.  Alas, a name escapes me at the mo'.  I reckon the possessiveness I feel is akin to the same one feels when they share a prospective name for a future/possible child.  All of a sudden, because they said the name out loud, it's theirs and theirs alone.  That is how I feel about the things I dream of with those I trust.  Especially when those I confide my hopes and dreams in suddenly turn up with my hopes on their arms and my dreams on their feets.  (yes, I realize "feets" isn't a word.  Cut me some slack while I vent!)  Get your own hopes and dreams!!  haha!  It's like when you're in high school and you tell your very best girlfriend that you're in LOVE with the awkward, so-so-looking nerd in the corner.  Before then, she'd never noticed said nerd, but next thing you know they're "going around" and couldn't be happier.  How can any, self-respecting "friend" be so inconsiderate??  It boggles one's mind, namely my mind.  Maybe I'm petty, jealous, envious, and covetous.  Perhaps maybe I'm full of self-loathing and critiquing my own shortcomings on the world wide web.  Maybe not.

Will Write for Food...

Well, I wanted all of you lovely cyberific readers to know that I haven't forgotten you or this blog.  As a matter of fact, I have been working on a book that I hope to self-publish very soon.  The names of the innocent will be changed for their protection, but look out!  It's turning out to be very forthcoming and brutally honest and it's main subject is that of unrequited love.  I think it should be required reading for all persons seeking its oft-rewarding yet fickle titillation, but that's just my lofty and deluded opinion.  =)

Meanwhile, I will try to post concise tidbits with which you may satiate your need to read me, but by and large I will be feverishly working on what is sure to be a masterpiece.  (A girl can dream, can't she?)  TTFN